Ah, winter. Sparkly snow, break from school/college, singing merry christmas carols, cozying up by the fire knitting stockings, baking sugar cookies in your ruffly apron, wrapping presents in shiny paper, family gatherings, and the one we all look forward to whether it be a tradition or a new experience this year-being bombarded at said gatherings with questions of how on earth you survive subsisting solely on rabbit food. Be prepared, sassy grasshopper! I’ve compiled this little list of snarky crude comebacks for your disposal and/or entertainment.
Omnivore in question: “Where do you get your protein? And your calcium without REAL milk?”
Ah, the classic inquiry. Don’t bother explaining about your varied diet that includes
beans, whole grains, nuts, legumes, soy products, tofu, seitan, tempeh, etc, all excellent sources of protein, nor how soy/almond/rice/hazelnut/oat/hemp milk contain the same amount of calcium as cow milk or how the average omnivore’s excessive consumption of animal protein actually leaches calcium from the body, contributing to osteoporosis. No, that will not satisfy their query. Your answer is the following:
“From the humans in my freezer. The babies are especially tasty.”
Omnivore: “But cows like to get milked! What else would happen to the milk?”
You could calmly and composedly explain that cows are actually artificially impregnated and the calves, whom the milk was produced for, are taken away to be slaughtered and made into veal. But why educate them on the cruelty of the dairy industry when you could simply say:
“I know, right? We should just cut out the middleman and go drink directly from the cow tits!”
Omnivore: “Plants have feelings too! You’re hurting them!”
This answer is clear as daylight. Plants don’t have a nervous system and thusly don’t feel pain. But that seems too easy, right? Sass it up with this response:
“Were you asleep during your biology unit in kindergarten? That’s absurd, you chowderheaded simpleton.”
Omnivore: “What do you eat?”
Tell your omnivore all about the Chickpea Cutlets you made last night from Veganomicon, the Radical Reuben you had over the weekend at the Chicago Diner, or the Mucho Margarita Cupcakes from
Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. And direct them to the myriad of vegan food blogs found all over the internet. Or, make it short and sweet:
“Braaaaaaiinnnnssss. Occasionally dressed with an emulsion of fetus juice and the blood of people who ask foolish questions.”
Omnivore: “I don’t eat that much meat, so I think I’m doing enough. Only chicken, turkey, and beef occasionally. I’m practically vegetarian!”
Direct your omnivore to the wikipedia pages for chicken, turkey, and beef. Then to the page for vegetarianism, and point out how a vegetarian lifestyle does not include the consumption of any meat. If they bring up that the article directs you to a page about “semi-vegetarianism”, a diet that includes the occasional juicy sausage or chicken tit, reply:
“If I separate your head from your body, then you’ll only be a semi-douchebag!”
Omnivore: “Do you eat chicken? Fish?”
Similar to the question above, explain to your omnivore that chicken and fish are not included in a vegan or vegetarian diet. Also, make note that pescetarians, not to be confused with vegetarians, eat fish. Or play along:
“Wait, chicken and fish are VEGETABLES?? OH MY GOD! Thank you so much for educating me! Where are these fish trees?”
Omnivore: “You’ref missfffing ouwtt on dis deliffus animull in mah mouf. And no dijjessert for you!”
Your omnivore seems to have forgotten your explanation of all the delicious entrees you consume in response to the “what do you eat?” question so fill them in on some more dishes you’ve recently made or ate. And then whip out your chocolate peppermint cream bars, vegan cupcakes, or S’mlove Pie if you really feel like showing them up. Let the “wow’s!” commence, then top it off with:
“If I wanted to shove my mouth full of dead things, I’d start with you. After I finish this cupcake.”
Omnivore: “But I could never give up cheese!”
Explain that there have been a breakthrough of delicious vegan alternatives over the past few years such as Teese, Daiya, and Follow Your Heart. And give your personal story on how there are so many other foods out there to try and you didn’t even miss cheese after a while. Or, go for the gold:
“A few years ago I thought I could never give up cannibalism, but it got easier as time went by and I eat Hufu when I get those cravings.”
Frazzled omnivore: “But…why?”
At this point, your omnivore has run out of appropriate, well-thought out questions about your chosen lifestyle. You could tell them about the ethical, health, and environmental reasons that led you to become vegan, but it’s probably best to just put the conversation out of its misery:
“Just so you would ask that question. I’m going to go nosh on a big juicy steak now.” And thank them profusely for opening your eyes to the wonders of meat.
Pictured above are chocolates made from leftover frosting that I added peppermint extract to, froze dollops of, dipped in melted chocolate, and sprinkled with crushed candy canes. Give one to the omnivores in your life as a consolation prize.
Happy Holidays! Knock ‘em dead!